shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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A dad and his duck
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.