“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.