Probably my best painting.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.