The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.