Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from