Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”