[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family