People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
A Short Story.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
mathematically impossible
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?