I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.