My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired