*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
who wore it better?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”