My dress code is business-casualty.
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Thursday
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.