[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone