I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: