If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow