Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
who named him groot and not spruce lee
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats