Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
knights of the ikea table
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?