Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.