A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
You Might Also Like
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“I’m helping” 😅
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.