I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
hmm conte-me mais
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous