If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
No laws when master is gone
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.