BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Still my favourite meme.
Admin smashed it 😂
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.