My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“i miss shittin on people”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.