Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….