*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ugh not again
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.