wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
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My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
How high do the levels go?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..