Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The pasta is now
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!