Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.