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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Goat cheese is for herders.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”