This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back