me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You Might Also Like
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie