Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Bruh PLEASE
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in