It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
😅😅😅
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I told my vodka about you.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
NASA has no chill
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.