Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
dutch is not a serious language
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.