that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man