One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
A dead goose is called a ghoost
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Twitter is the new flypaper.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
lol
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.