I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You Might Also Like
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”