My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.