Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped