I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.