only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
i love meeting boys on tinder
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.