I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.