Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context