I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.