“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You Might Also Like
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet