Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.