Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
reminder
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!