What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
God, I love Scotland
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal