[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”