*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.